10 Ways to Ruin a First Date

1. Don't look like your picture. Post an old picture from when you were thinner or had more hair.

Or you could post a photo of someone else: your daughter (folks always say you could be twins, right?), a model you plucked from an online site (hey, didn't you say you always wanted to be a model?), or your "sort of" twin brother (non-identical).

2. Don't make any special effort to present yourself well. Dress for a first meeting the way you would for a Saturday night at home, rationalizing that you want to appear "real" and be liked for the way that you are.

Maybe it is a kindness to show, right up front, what your date's Saturday nights would be like if they were to marry you!

3. Be late.

Nothing says you couldn't care less than to be late. While arriving early might give you the advantage of being able to see your date before he/she sees you, being late implies you are too important to be polite.

4. Forget your wallet. Male or female, the "I forgot my wallet" schtick is the fastest route to being labeled cheap.

If you are a guy and this is a coffee date, springing for both cups is a bargain-rate way to look good. And ladies, men notice if you offer to pay, even if they insist on opening their wallet for your latte.

Nothing says you couldn't care less than to be late

5. Use your cell phone. Go ahead, plunk your cell phone down on the table between the two of you, leave it on and answer every call, taking as long as you want while ignoring your date.

Cell phones are the best excuse for blanket rudeness that has been invented. They have no place on a date, except as a safety mechanism.

6. Brag. My grandma used to say "Don't brag," and when you are on a date, she was -- and is -- so right.

However, if you can't resist, talk about the price you paid for your car, flash your Rolex, and prop your implants on the table. Tell how important you are at work and how many men or women are dropping at your feet.

See how your date reacts... if they are still at the table.

7. Complain. Whine. Grouse. Say how no one listens to you and you are looking for someone who will.

Go on and on about your health problems or, better yet, your dietary quirks. Then notice that your date is in such a rotten mood, whine about that, and chalk this date up to yet another one of those horrid experiences.

See how your date reacts...

8. Be rude. To your date, and to everyone around you. Talk down to the waitperson and don't leave a tip. Complain to the management about the poor service. Ask your date what the last STD they had was or whether they are still fertile.

If you must, really pull out the stops and get all your orifices going: burp, pass gas, scratch scabs, pick your nose or blow it on your hand.

9. Try to get sexy. Tell your date that she is turning you on and you want to see her naked. Move in too close too fast, hugging, touching or kissing, despite what your date is signaling.

Grab his butt when you meet. Wear clothes that are too short, too tight and in general too slutty. Talk sexy and do it loud.

10. Tell dirty, racist or just plain poor-taste stories. You know that you are funny, especially after you have a couple of drinks. If it is a coffee date, then stop off for a couple of quick ones before you get there.

You know that men (or women) like a good sexy joke, so fire away. And most people think that racist or bathroom stories are hilarious, so your date should too. After all, you want a partner who can take a joke, don't you?

Photo credit: "Cafe Satan" malias (flickr)